Blech.
“I
know. Some people will call this giving
up. I am accepting failure. This is what happens to the best of all of
us. We realize the walls we pound our fists against are too strong and too
well-built and that there is just not enough energy and time to change the
world. It is the bittersweet elixir of
growing old.
I hereby give notice that I am
retiring from the Grammar Police. I
know, it may come as a shock to many. It
does not help that our numbers are shrinking year after year. It took a lot of years of deliberation and
soul-searching. In the end, I believe it
is best for me if I step away. In my own
life, I will carry on. Remaining ever
vigilant, I will do my best to avoid murdering the English language. I know I
will make mistakes, but I will not succumb. I will use a variety of words; I
will not try to boil all human communication down to 25 catch phrases and
clichés. However, when it comes to policing
the world and pointing out obvious grammatical errors, I am no longer the man
for the job.
The tipping point came
recently. I was watching a local news
story about a protest. There were
parents and teachers trying to get attention from t a local school district,
and they wrote handmade signs for the gathering. I saw one parent’s sign and it read: Help
Suport Our Community. From my couch
at home I said aloud: “Two p’s, please”.
Now, I was correct. Suport
has two p’s. But, in that grand scheme of everything that actually matters in
this world, and that I personally support the measure to raise more money for
schools, who gives a rat’s ass about how the words were spelled on one sign? I lost perspective, empathy, and
sympathy. All because I can’t get over
how so many people do not know how to use grammar properly. I still believe it matters. But life is an ongoing process of choosing battles. Grammar is far down the list.
I believe in the struggle of the
Grammar Police. Clarification of our
shared language is essential to clear communication. However, I did forget one thing along the
way. Not all communication is
important. Some of it is as disposable
as candy wrappers. The words may be
important, but the actual back and forth between two eleven-year-olds, or a
bunch of guys at a country/hip-hop/rock concert, or a family of goobers who are
minding their own dad-gum business is not important and has no need to be
policed. I still believe all public
signs should be under scrutiny. If you
have a restaurant, please learn how to spell restaurant. A movie theater
marquee should not misspell titles they can clearly read from a poster.
So I leave with my last public pleas
for grammatical sanity. I have heard in
the past few years in the rise of nouns created by adding ‘–ness’ to an
existing adjective. The problem is,
those adjectives were already created from a noun. There is no need for anxiousness and dangerousness. We have anxiety
and danger. Comfortableness?
It’s comfort. They are acceptable now
because of a generation of fuck-ups repeating them over and over. But I digress.
In the area of clichéd phrases I
have but one simple request. Please stop
using the Nazis and terms like jackbooted
thugs to describe people and events that do not even come close to the
severity and brutality of the Third Reich.
The chick on the phone from Verizon that put you on hold is not the same
as an army that murdered millions. Also,
we can refrain from using “Sophie’s Choice” to describe a difficult
decision. I realize this began is
sarcastic jest, but it has moved into standard use now and I just don’t think
choosing which one of your children should live or die is the same as deciding
thin or pan crust at Pizza Hut.
I will close with this. I have fought hard. I raised my children to appreciate the often
contradictory rules of the English language.
They realize it is unique in the world; it is a living, breathing, and
evolving language. There are just some
tendencies that sour our collective use; and that these misuses can eventually
impact human thought. We need all the words we can to speak our minds
effectively. I believe in the cause. But I am turning in my badge.”
Oh yeah: “A LOT
IS ALWAYS TWO SEPARATE GODDAMNED WORDS!!!”
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