It took him five seasons to figure it out.
I actually went into the world recently and attended some writer's meetings. It's low-key. You read aloud what you're working on and then the rest of the group critiques it. There are enough people to make a consensus and there are also enough to get a few different perspectives. There are thousands of these groups all over. I never set foot in one of these environments because of fear and a healthy does of social anxiety. But my writing was in a bit of a stall, so I gave it a try.
The feedback was genuine and insightful. Te people there are real writers; in that they care deeply about writing, despite the amount of talent, experience or ideas they have themselves. They are attentive listeners and they give pertinent advice from a place of true support.
Except for one guy. There's this one guy who has so little experience listening to the work of others he rarely pays attention for a minute or two without losing focus. He's pretty negative, and if the work is outside of his comfort zone or field of experience he drifts into daydreams.
Yes, that asshole is me.
I'm the weak link in the group. I will have to work so hard to truly be present for everyone else. It is so difficult for me to listen attentively. It's harder than the act of completing a novel. I can blame a version of adult ADD or that I'm woefully out of practice. Those things could play a role. But I know the reason.
I am judgmental as hell.
It's my shittiest trait. It's brought me nothing but pain and suffering my entire life and it dangles off my body like a partially severed limb; something I've tried to saw off but it still clings to me by gnarled bone and sinew. It's fear. Of course it's fear. Fear is the reason for all the bullshit that happens in the world. Overcoming it is our job as humans. My fear manifested itself as judgment; either by sarcastic nitpicking or disparaging remarks about things I don't understand. I've seen it for what it is and it sickens me. It is so unseemly and gross.
One of the worst aspects of being judgey is that its as obvious as a boil on your nose. When you shit on something for no reason, everyone in the room knows you are expressing your fear of not knowing out loud. You could just shut the hell up and say nothing, but no...that's not what judgey people do. You compare it to something. You belittle it. You question its validity. You roll your eyes or fold your arms or give it a dismissive remark.
It's impolite. It's small. It's unattractive. It's a downer. It reveals a lot about you.
I grew up with it. There can be dozens of reasons for why it exists, but I always come back to fear. At least it didn't manifest itself in raw anger at the unknown. No, my burden is sniveling on the sidelines, while the brave or those without one thousand hang-ups go out there and try and experience and sample life.
Why stick your neck out? Why get in the game? Why care at all?
Because that is what I wanted to do all along.
TO BE SELF AWARE IS THE DEMARCATION BETWEEN LIVING IN A CONSTANT BLUR AND HAVING TRUE CLARITY. That sentiment is something I've wanted to say, to myself and everyone I meet. The reason I have a chance to improve is that I looked in the mirror and realized I was the asshole. Me. In this situation, I was the one that had to change. Mature. Work. It didn't me to feel these feelings because they were pure. This was the truth.
So I found another area in which I have to grow. One day, I won't be the asshole, and that is because I realized that I am the asshole today.
The feedback was genuine and insightful. Te people there are real writers; in that they care deeply about writing, despite the amount of talent, experience or ideas they have themselves. They are attentive listeners and they give pertinent advice from a place of true support.
Except for one guy. There's this one guy who has so little experience listening to the work of others he rarely pays attention for a minute or two without losing focus. He's pretty negative, and if the work is outside of his comfort zone or field of experience he drifts into daydreams.
Yes, that asshole is me.
I'm the weak link in the group. I will have to work so hard to truly be present for everyone else. It is so difficult for me to listen attentively. It's harder than the act of completing a novel. I can blame a version of adult ADD or that I'm woefully out of practice. Those things could play a role. But I know the reason.
I am judgmental as hell.
It's my shittiest trait. It's brought me nothing but pain and suffering my entire life and it dangles off my body like a partially severed limb; something I've tried to saw off but it still clings to me by gnarled bone and sinew. It's fear. Of course it's fear. Fear is the reason for all the bullshit that happens in the world. Overcoming it is our job as humans. My fear manifested itself as judgment; either by sarcastic nitpicking or disparaging remarks about things I don't understand. I've seen it for what it is and it sickens me. It is so unseemly and gross.
One of the worst aspects of being judgey is that its as obvious as a boil on your nose. When you shit on something for no reason, everyone in the room knows you are expressing your fear of not knowing out loud. You could just shut the hell up and say nothing, but no...that's not what judgey people do. You compare it to something. You belittle it. You question its validity. You roll your eyes or fold your arms or give it a dismissive remark.
It's impolite. It's small. It's unattractive. It's a downer. It reveals a lot about you.
I grew up with it. There can be dozens of reasons for why it exists, but I always come back to fear. At least it didn't manifest itself in raw anger at the unknown. No, my burden is sniveling on the sidelines, while the brave or those without one thousand hang-ups go out there and try and experience and sample life.
Why stick your neck out? Why get in the game? Why care at all?
Because that is what I wanted to do all along.
TO BE SELF AWARE IS THE DEMARCATION BETWEEN LIVING IN A CONSTANT BLUR AND HAVING TRUE CLARITY. That sentiment is something I've wanted to say, to myself and everyone I meet. The reason I have a chance to improve is that I looked in the mirror and realized I was the asshole. Me. In this situation, I was the one that had to change. Mature. Work. It didn't me to feel these feelings because they were pure. This was the truth.
So I found another area in which I have to grow. One day, I won't be the asshole, and that is because I realized that I am the asshole today.
