To an outsider, observing someone
with anxiety must be strange and frustrating.
It is difficult to explain what is happening inside, and since you don’t
deal with the biological symptoms, you cannot imagine the explanation behind
the behavior. I guess that is the same
with all kinds of conditions. The truth
is, those without the problem, those who can control fear and do not find their
bodies when the fear response kicks in, have trouble empathizing. There is no corresponding experience.
My wife has watched me for twenty
years deal with this crap. She has no
such issues; all of my behaviors are foreign to her. I remember one day she was telling me about a
day at work. She is a chef, and one day at
the restaurant the health inspector came in and was unusually thorough. The business was always clean and my wife was
mostly responsible for that fact. She
knew everything would be fine and they would pass, but she still had an
unavoidable queasiness in the pit of her stomach. This guy was making her nervous for no
reason, and she couldn’t shake it until he was gone. I told her; “That’s how I feel every day of
my life.”
Imagine that horrible feeling you
have in traffic where an accident almost happens. You have to jam on your brakes to keep from
hitting someone, or the back of another car.
That jolt of adrenaline zaps you, like an emotional airbag, to keep you
alert and ready for danger. But you
brake in time, and everybody goes on with their day. Most people laugh it off or swear, maybe say
“whew!” to themselves. Just think of
what that would be like if that jolt of adrenaline didn’t stop. You still felt
that fear and alertness for hours and hours, maybe even into the next day. Think of what that would do to you if that
happened all the time. A person with
anxiety doesn’t even need that bit of drama to feel panic. Bills that are due, an interview, a meeting
with a friend, an intense movie, waiting in line at the grocery store…almost
anything can set someone off. Even, and
I am being completely honest, just writing
about this is giving me a low dose of it right now.
It
is chemical. When I finally accepted
this about four years ago, I went to a doctor.
I have high blood pressure. It’s
not because of cheeseburgers, it is an inherited trait. If I went to the doctor when I was twenty I
would have received the same diagnosis.
Anxiety, spurned by a rapid heart rate was able to feel upon itself. No logical reasoning in my brain could get me
to ‘calm down’ or ‘take it easy’. There
was a broken switch in my body. I quit
caffeine. Why stoke the fire? I paid more attention to exercise and what I
was eating. All of these things would
help, but unfortunately I am tied to heart medication for the long haul.
Think
of what that does to your heart in forty years’ time. Anxiety causes all kinds of other maladies,
even hair loss. Also, think of what it
can do to relationships and careers. I
got lucky with my wife, but that luck did not extend to any job I’ve ever
had. I never wanted any extra
responsibility, even though I was often one of the more promising employees on
staff. I never could ask for more money
and I am the worst job interviewer on the face of the earth. Even though my anxiety is now under control,
I spent a lifetime in fear and I have seriously underdeveloped social
skills.
This
brings me to the background music of my life.
As it turns out, it is the background music for my family members as
well. My brother and I noted one day
that our father is always in a hurry to get home from work. No matter what was going on, my dad works his
ass off as hard as possible but needs to get out that door fast. We suspected
that it had something to do with beer, but now I think it is a little more
complex. I call it the ‘ticking
clock’. My parents, my brother and I all
have anxiety problems. There is a
feeling inside of us, as integral as our own memories and personality traits,
which makes us hurry. I am constantly in a rush to do
everything. I feel it when I’m driving,
I feel it when I’m eating, I feel it when I don’t have to be doing anything at
the moment. I feel it when I wash dishes
or make dinner or go online for anything. Yes, I feel it right now.
The
actual clock is of no consequence. I
know I have an appointment for my job at 10:00 this morning. I’ve already figured out how long it will
take to get there, and even if I’m a few minutes late (which I never am) it
will be okay. I’ll still get the job
done and I will get paid. It is 8:30
now, and I feel the tension. There is no
need for it, whatsoever. It will not
subside. I used to think that if I just
was busier than I would not have time to get anxious. That has a little merit, but I usually end up
ruining my time off with all the anxiety I didn’t get to during the week.
What
are we hurrying for, exactly? There is
no logic tied to this; it is purely a biological impulse. Are we trying to
hurry up and get through the day to accomplish something? Time only goes one speed. Am I trying to hurry through my life so I can
make into my coffin quicker? What the
hell?
I asked my daughter, who has some of
this herself, to keep an eye on me. If
she sees me hurrying when there is no reason to, just tell me to slow down. That is the only way out of this. It is one reason I moved to Oregon. The west coast simply moves at a slower pace. I have to learn how to breathe and listen to
myself when I need to chill out. Take it
easy. Resist the urge to rush. Slow the fuck down. I have to learn what calm
is. I have to accept that there are only
so many things I can do. I have to let
go of the hurry or I will die early. It
is that simple.
I learned this phrase while
listening to a podcast. It was a guy
with anxiety who had this same issue and he adopted a phrase he learned from
drill sergeant, of all people: “slow is smooth
and smooth is fast”. If you actually
take your time with your tasks, being careful and avoiding the hurry impulse,
you will accomplish them in less time with less mistakes and frustration. I
have tried this and it works. I actually
use it as a mantra when I feel the clock ticking in my ears. I said it aloud: Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Some people learn this when they
are ten years old. The rest of us have
anxiety.
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