It's Your Own Damn Fault

Bruce Willis is a ghost.  So there.

I wrote a small stand-up bit about a year ago.  It wasn’t much.  I just thought: “You know why we never heard so much about spoiler alerts years ago?  Because people used to have fucking lives.”

Something has always burrowed under my skin about spoiler alerts, and our need to express them.  I understand it begin as a courtesy, with which I fully agree. I am about to reveal important details about a movie, book, TV show, sporting event or whatever entertainment relies on surprise.  If you don’t want to know, I will refrain, or reword my statement so the experience won’t be ruined.  I like that type of thing.  I like when people are nice, because I’m not a monster.

Somehow the spoiler alert as morphed into something else.  It’s not a courtesy anymore, it’s a mandate. It is required for nearly all aspects of your daily life, for media stretching back to daguerreotypes and Victorian literature.  Half of the enjoyment of watching a TV show that is airing new episodes is discussing them with friends and family.  Right?  We have to find a way to make this communal somehow?  Why are we putting so many restrictions to the full enjoyment of all this stuff we spend so much time watching?

First of all, for many of us, knowing the ending of a story actually increases our enjoyment.  I am one of these people.  I have anxiety.  It mostly ruins everything in life, but it does heighten the enjoyment of plot and suspense.  At certain times, the excitement can be distracting, and I find myself wanting a movie to move faster. I skip pages in a novel.  I've checked the internet for spoilers. The ending of a story or cliffhangers of an episode are important elements of the whole, but it is not the whole.  If your pleasure depends on only surprises happening at the end of a movie, your name is M. Night Shamaylan, and your movies suck.

I don’t seek out spoilers often, but when I have it is to quell my anxiety.  I never share what I've learned.  It’s tough for me to truly buy that something is irrevocably ruined if you know the end.  But I get it.  That’s me.

Also, there seems to be no set rules on what’s the length of time that needs to elapse before a spoiler alert is no longer necessary.  Do I have to gauge the room if I talk about Harry Potter?  The Godfather?  Lost?  What is a reasonable amount of time for these people?  How about this:  If it is culturally significant and more than a week has passed, it’s your own damn fault. 

Maybe that’s the rub.  Somehow, in the last decade or so, the responsibility has shifted to other people.  My guess is once cell phone users began to yell at people around them to quiet down because they, themselves were in a conversation, the wires became crossed.  Pop culture has transformed actual life into a Facebook page or a comment thread.  I still believe in a reasonable politeness, but let me be clear:  It is your fault if you do not know.  It is not the rest of the world’s responsibility to monitor your ignorance.

My wife and I are a season behind on Game of Thrones.  We don’t have HBO and we are content waiting to stream or rent DVD’s.  I saw the news of the major “Red Wedding” episode all over the entertainment news media weeks ago , and significant plot points were revealed.  You now what?  It’s my fault.  The story is going on and I am behind.  The world is farther ahead in this storybook and they have a lot more knowledge and things to talk about.  Tough shit.  I’m behind and now I know some stuff.   I don’t freak out.  And, more notably, I’ll still watch the show.

Years ago, particularly in the 1960’s, movie trailers were pretty long.  They revealed much of the plot and pivotal scenes were shown often.  A movie-goer could glean the entire film from a two-minute preview.  You know what happened?  They still went to the movies in droves. 

It didn't matter.  They had more important things to consider in their lives. Luckily, all our problems are now solved and we can fritter our time intentionally divulging to each other that Kevin Spacey was Keyser Soze all along.